1、高中英语新高考-英语作文：如何真正提高作文分数？实评一个优秀学生的作文关于作文下面我要评的作文是一个成绩比较好的网课班同学的作文，很多时候，很多学生弄不明白，明明我已经很努力在写作了，句子长，各种复杂的语法结构；短语也有， 但为什么分数不高。本文主要讲讲这个。Nowadays, idol-worshiping is popular among teenagers. The idols are their heroes. They admire them, they imitate them, and their world seems to be filled with them. Recen
2、tly, a pair of parents from Zhejiang province took their daughter, a middle school student, to a fan meeting for her favorite star in Shanghai, even though there was a typhoon in the city that day. Teenagers respond differently to the event.Wang Yuxin, 17:I dont agree with the parents idea. To make
3、their idol more popular, students often spend much money supporting them. They waste their time on these stars, which should be spent studying. What about the scientists who make lots of contributions to the development of society? Many people dont even know these scientists names.Wang Yidi. 15:I ag
4、ree with the parents action. Its normal for a teenager to have a favorite star. In some aspects, the star they like is a reflection of the person they want to be. So, the star may motivate them to work harder. I admire parents who take their children to fan meetings, and I believe the experience wil
5、l leave a great impression on these teenagers.【写作内容】1用约30词概括上文的主要内容；2用约120个词谈谈你对“偶像崇拜”的看法，并包括如下要点： 你如何评价目前年轻人“偶像崇拜”这一现象？ 在你的生活中什么样的人会成为你的偶像，请举例说明。【写作要求】1你可以参照阅读材料的内容但不得直接引用原文中的句子；2作文中不能出现真实姓名和学校名称。作文指导1.概括：具体的事例(某人做了某事)+评价The passage tells that a pair of parents accompanied their daughter to Zhejian
6、g province who was eager to see a movie star, her idol, despite a typhoon. Opinions are divided on the event.细节：even though there was a typhoon in the city that daydespite a typhoonTeenagers respond differently to the event.Opinions are divided on the event.2.评价现象：主要从品格 / 价值观来说明I think we should be
7、cautious about idol-worshiping. Star fans, the majority of whom are teenagers and young adults, are used to blindly following every aspect of celebrities behavior, accepting both positive and negative influences as universal truths. The young, once their values are shaped by them, tend to be slaves
8、to fame and wealth at any cost. Besides, large quantities of money and time spent on idols will put great pressure on their families, let alone study.3.我的偶像In my opinion, whats most important are values and qualities, such as honesty, diligence, and persistence. Therefore, my heroes are scientists w
9、ho devote themselves to the exploration of space and have just made a big breakthrough in Change 4s landing on the moon.学生作文评点With idol-worshiping gaining popularity, many teenagers tend to meet for their idols desperately.（meet for搭配用错了，tend to表示习惯或趋势，此处不适合，修改：tend to meet for改为：are crazy about joi
10、ning their idols meetings.）Just as the passage above demonstrates, netizens hold very different opinions as to this issue.It can be said with certainty that the parents behaviour is excessive more or less.（这是汉式英语，汉式英语最突出的一点就是累赘，修改：parents often go too far when it comes to spoiling their children. 朗文
11、词典：go too far also take / carry sth too far：to do something too extreme e.g. One day she will go too far. Some people thought he had gone too far in his criticism of the police.）Nowadays, the phenomenon is common and has its roots. As a matter of fact, the development of modern technology has inevit
12、ably pushed for the presentation of celebrities. We should acknowledge that we need someone to be a role model. （文章要求谈的是你对明星崇拜的观点，但此处大量笔墨花在了讲原因上，或者删掉，或者进一步修改。原句里的：push for the presentation of 这个句子看起来也是汉式英语，考生说的是科技带来了明星的出现，逻辑不当：科技和明星之间没有什么联系，准确说应该是科技的发展让人更快获得关注，他们千方百计迎合大众，进而成为偶像：the fast development
13、of technological tools makes room for those who try to appeal to the public by all means just to act as the idols）However, it should be kept in mind that we cannot ignore the importance of focusing on our academic performance. Otherwise, idol-worshiping will negatively affect our study and life.（这个和
14、前面逻辑也是出现断档，偶像崇拜和学习没有必然的联系，需要修改为：idols worshipping undoubtedly interfere with our study because it will take up much time which otherwise could be spent on learning and distract our attention from study.）As to me, I will think twice and choose the idol. （主题句空洞无物，直接去掉）A suitable idol should be equippe
15、d with many qualities, such as honesty, humor sense（改为sense of humor）, generosity and confidence. Whats more, a devoted and self-disciplined person is worth imitating. Only by learning from such person can we truly benefit a lot and improve ourselves.（漏掉要点了，没有写自己的偶像）评价：该考生实际上具备很不错的英语功底，但问题也出现在此，想努力表
16、现自己的造句水平，结果句子长，而且废话也不少，汉式英语也多了起来。高考中要慎重写很长的句子，因为中学生驾驭长句写作的能力还没有成熟，长句子涉及到英语思维的深层次表达，而不是语法，这只有在大量阅读中才能形成。因此要关注两点：1.简洁为上；2.逻辑为上，千万不要以为“你懂得”，实际上读者不懂。就第2点，我们再来看看这位高二同学的作文的一句：On the other hand, most idols of the young are pop singers and famous actors, whose contributions to the society are but entertaini
17、ng songs and films, much less than that of the committed but unknown scientists in the laboratory. Despite the fact that they are well-received, they dont worth the over-due worshiping.偶像贡献小，不是反对的原因。应该是这样的：人们把过多的注意力放在偶像身上，忽略了科学家的贡献，从而误导孩子们不重视科学。our media prefer to put pop singers and famous actors in the limelight and make great efforts to sing high praise of them. It will make the young look down upon many diligent scientists and teachers.
