1、甜蜜爱情的十大禁忌Its not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But its not impossible, either it takes some work, of course, but its work, work thats a joy when everything comes together.A lot of times, though, the work isnt enough. We get in our own way with ideas
2、and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.Ive watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). Ive seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and Ive tried to pay attention to what seems to be goin
3、g on. Here are a few of the things Ive seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.1. Youre playing to winOne of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I dont mean competition in the sense that you cant stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the rela
4、tionship itself is a kind of game that youre tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partners head. If you feel that there are things you cant tell your partner because she or he will use it against you
5、, youre in a competitive relationship but not for long.2. You dont trustThere are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he wont cheat on you or otherwise hurt you and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is
6、trusting them enough to know they wont leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over even if
7、it takes 10 more years for you to break up.3. You dont talkToo many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they dont want to hurt their partner, or because theyre trying to win. (See #1 above; example: “If you dont know why Im mad, Im c
8、ertainly not going to tell you!”) While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems problems that dont get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse,
9、is totally aware of them but thinks they dont really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust and, as I said thats the death of a relationship.4. You dont listenListening really listening is hard. Its normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like cri
10、ticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and de
11、sires when even s/he doesnt even know exactly what they are. If you cant listen that way, at least to the person you love, theres a problem.5. You spend like a single personThis was a hard lesson for me to learn until it broke up a 7-year relationship. When youre single, you can buy whatever you wan
12、t, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. Its not necessarily wise, but youre the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner and your children, if there are or will be any will have to
13、bear the brunt of your spending, so youd better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if theres anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it.This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep thei
14、r finances separate, even when theyre married. Theres nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. If youre spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do wit
15、h it, your relationship is doomed.6. Youre afraid of breaking upNobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, thats a big warning sign that somethings wrong. But often, whats wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-co
16、nfidence and self-esteem youre afraid that theres no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Q
17、uite frankly, this isnt going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isnt going to be very satisfying for your partner.7. Youre dependentTheres a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him yo
18、uve crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatevers missing in you a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship and Im talking finances as well as emotional support, here youre in trouble. (
19、Note: Im not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances what Im saying is that if youre not contributing to the household budget, and youre not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and thats never good.)8. You expect HappinessA sign of a bad relationship is that
20、one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them nobody can “make” you happy, except you but its an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships arent on
21、ly about being happy, and theres lots of times when you wont and even shouldnt be. Being able to rely on someone even when youre upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy or worse, youre frustrated bec
22、ause you arent able to make your partner happy your relationship isnt going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.9. You never fightA good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which i
23、s a perfectly normal part of a humans emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.One reason couples dont fight is that they fear conflict which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. Thats bad. Another reason couples
24、avoid arguments is that theyve learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. Theyve learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationships development. While an argument isnt pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even kno
25、wn they had and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you cant come back from.10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hardThere are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other
26、 and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard and that therefore if its hard, it must be worth having.The outcome of both views is that you dont work at your relationship. You dont work because its supposed to be easy and therefor
27、e not need any work, or you dont work because its supposed to be hard and it wouldnt be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out either because the problems youre ignoring really dont go away just because you think they should. or because the problems youre cultivating are
28、a constant drag on your energy. A relationship thats too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesnt seem to need any work isnt any better.Your choicesThere isnt any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either see
29、k out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and). Failure doesnt always mean you break up many people arent that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily i
30、n failed relationships for years and even decades because theyre afraid they wont find anything better, or worse, theyre afraid they deserve it. Dont you be one of them if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change. .
