1、203 The One Where Mr. Heckles DiesCHANDLER: Hey.MONICA: So how was Joan?CHANDLER: I broke up with her. CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.CHANDLER: Im tellin you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.MONICA: How many perfectly
2、 fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adams apple. It made me nuts.C
3、HANDLER: You or me?ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women dont have Adams apples.JOEY: You guys are messin with me, right?ALL: Yeah.JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, whoa.PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.ROSS: Not hating
4、Yanni is not a real reason.(knock)MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.MR. HECKLES: Youre doing it again.MONICA: Were not doing anything.MR. HECKLES: Youre stomping. Its disturbing my birds.RACHEL: You dont have birds.MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, well try to keep it down.MR. HECKLE
5、S: Thank you. Im going to rejoin my dinner party.RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasnt about being picky.ROSS: Well give you Janice.PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. Hello, Chandler Bing.RACHEL: Oh, my, god.JOEY: Oh, Chandler, now, now, thats it. T
6、here, faster!MONICA: Stop with the broom, were not making noise.RACHEL: We won. We won!MONICA: Mr. Heckles.RACHEL: How did this happen?MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin. They found a broom in his hand.MONICA: Thats terrible.MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure,
7、 sweepin. You never know.MR. TREEGER: You never know.PHOEBE: Ok, its very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.PHOEBE: Im sorry, but sometimes they need help. Thats fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, therere a lot of things that I don
8、t believe in, but that doesnt mean theyre not true.JOEY: Such as?PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you dont, uh, you dont believe in evolution?PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.ROSS: You dont believe in evolution?PHOEBE: I dont know, its just, you k
9、now.monkeys, Darwin, you know, its a, its a nice story, I just think its a little too easy.ROSS: Too easy? Too.The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?PHOEBE: Yeah, I just dont buy it.ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is no
10、t for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.PHOEBE: Ok, dont get me started on gravity.ROSS: You uh, you dont believe in gravity?PHOEBE: Well, its not so much that you know, like I dont believe in it, you know, its just.I dont know, latel
11、y I get the feeling that Im not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.(knock)CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. Its Isaac Newton, and hes pissed.MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, thats the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles attorney. Hed like to talk to you.MONICA: What can we do for yo
12、u?MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Heres the deal. According to my clients will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to the noisy girls in the apartment above mine.MONICA: Well, what about his family?MR. BOYLE: He didnt have any.RACHEL: Ok, so lets talk money.MR. BOYLE: All right, there was non
13、e. Lets talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.MONICA: I cant believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isnt it amazing how much you can touch someones life, without even knowing it?.Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final reve
14、nge!RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crapJOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution?PHOEBE: Just dont. Look at this funky shirt!ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life
15、. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.PHOEBE: See, I didnt know th
16、at.ROSS: Well, there you go.PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. My Big Book of Grievances.JOEY: Hey, theres me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, youre in here too.CHANDLER: A
17、pril 18th, excessive noise. Italian guys gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well thats excellent.RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.RACHEL: What? Come on, its not like Im asking for th
18、is girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.MONICA: It doesnt go with any of my stuff.RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?MONICA: You dont have any stuff.RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, dont you?MONICA: No.RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartm
19、ent, and Im just somebody who rents a room.MONICA: Mmmmm.RACHEL: Ok, while you mmm on it for awhile, Im gonna go find a place for my new lamp.ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how Im making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?PHOEBE: Maybe the overlor
20、ds needed them to steer their spacecrafts.ROSS: Please tell me youre joking.PHOEBE: Look, cant we just say that you believe in something, and I dont.ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we cant, ok, because-PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, whats that all about? I th
21、ink, I think maybe its time you put Ross under the microscope.ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears?JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles high school yearbook.CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.PHOEBE: Hes even kind of cute.JOEY: Heckles, you crack me up in science class. Youre the funniest
22、kid in school.CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles? JOEY: Thats what it says.CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?PHOEBE: Id call that excessive.CHANDLER: Whoa! JOEY: What?CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he wa
23、s in the scale modelers club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.CHANDLER: I just think its weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles.Would you knock it off?JOEY: Have you been here all night?CHANDLER:
24、Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. Im gonna end up alone, just like he did.JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.CH
25、ANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, Im coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, Ill buy you breakfast, lets go.CHANDLER: What if I ne
26、ver find someone? Or worse, what if Ive found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it supposably?JOEY: Chandler, come on, youre gonna find somebody.CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?JOEY: I dont know, Im just tryin to help you out.CHANDLER: Youll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get
27、married, and Im gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When youre married, will you invite me over for holidays?JOEY: Well, I dont know. I dont know what were gonna be doin. I mean, what if were at her folks place?CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super B
28、owl. Every year, all right?CHANDLER: You know what? Im not gonna end up like this. Ill see you man.JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, its me.JANICE: Oh, my, god.PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult fo
29、r you to comprehend?ROSS: You remember Janice, right?CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.JANICE: Helloo!CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.JANICE: Hey, its everybody.CHANDLER: Janice, youre-JANIC
30、E: Yes, I am.CHANDLER: Is it-?JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.CHANDLER: Congratulations.JANICE: Oh, sweetie, Im sorry.CHANDLER: You couldnt have told me about this on the phone?JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes
31、to have her fun.MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we havent played in a while?RACHEL: What?MONICA: Hide the Lamp.RACHEL: Monica, let it go.MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?RACHEL: Well, then, youll just have to eat the other lamps.PHOEBE: Uh-oh. Its Scary Scientist Man.ROSS: Ok, Phoe
32、be, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, Im not denying evolution, ok, Im just saying that its one of the possibilities.ROSS: Its the only possib
33、ility, Phoebe.PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasnt there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like,
34、 whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you cant admit that theres a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.PHOEBE: I cant believe you caved.ROSS: What?PHOEBE: You just abando
35、ned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didnt agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So whos hungry?RACHEL: I am. Let
36、 me just get my coat.MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. Youve always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, its just magically broken?MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!PHOEBE: Ok,
37、I didnt see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.CHANDLER: Neat. Im gonna die alone.RACHEL: Ok, you win.MONICA: Chandler, youre not gonna die alone.CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a
38、 snake.PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?CHANDLER: If Im gonna be an old, lonely man, Im gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure Ill be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And Ill get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk
39、 past my place, they will run. Run away from Crazy Snake Man, theyll shout!MONICA: You have got to get over this. Youre not gonna end up alone.CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone whos crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there arent any great women out
40、there.RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.MONICA: You are not a freak. Youre a guy.RACHEL: Shes right. Shes right. You are no different than the rest of them.MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.CHANDLER:
41、 In a bad way?MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys dont even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.RACHEL: Yeah. Youre not gonna end up alone.PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! Thats how much you
42、wanted to be with someone!MONICA: You made it!PHOEBE: Youre there!RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!CHANDLER: Whoa! Dont know about that.RACHEL: What you got there? Something else thats not yours that you can break?MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think itl
43、l look good in our apartment.RACHEL: Thank you.MONICA: Thats fine.CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. Shes great. Shes pretty, shes smart. And uh, Ive been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an
44、 unusually large head. But, Im not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. Im growing.JOEY: Hey, uh, you cant recycle yearbooks, can you?CHANDLER: Ill take that.JOEY: You want his yearbook?CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it
45、.MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now its gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. Youre all going to hell.RACHEL: Its really not that big
46、!CHANDLER: Takin that with you, huh?JOEY: Oh, yeah.ROSS: You comin?CHANDLER: Yeah, jus second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. Well try to keep it down.ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see Philosopher wanted?CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, thats a big hea
47、d! It didnt look this big in the office. Maybe its the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, dont get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser.Big head, big head, big head!)END 203 海先生之死琼安好不好?跟她分手了为什么?别告诉我因为鼻孔太大?真的超大她打喷嚏时会有
48、蝙蝠飞出来没那么大当她仰起头时我可以看到她的脑子你到底要拒绝多少好女孩只是因为非常肤浅的事情?慢着，我必须帮钱德说话我刚搬到这里时与一个女孩交往非常热情，很会接吻但是她的喉结非常大粒!真是让我受不了真是让我受不了乔伊，女人没有喉结你们是在骗我，对不对?对，我们在骗你!我差点上当了你与哪个女友分手是因为正当的理由?莫琳罗西洛因为她不讨厌音乐家雅尼这不是个正当的理由嗨，哈克先生你们又来了我们什么都没做你们脚步声太响吓到了我的乌儿你没有养乌我可以养乌我们会小声一点谢谢我要回去继续宴客了好，再见对了，珍妮丝珍妮丝可以证明我并没有乱挑剔我们同意你与珍妮丝分手但我蛮想珍尼斯的嗨，钱德宝!喔，我的天!喔，钱
49、德现在就要对了对了！快一点!别用扫把了!我们没有制造噪音我们赢了哈克先生他们发现他抓着一把扫把我知道昨天我也在扫地搞不好也会一命呜呼扫地，真是天有不测风云世事难料很微弱，但我还可以感觉他在大楼里进入光芒中，哈克先生!好了，菲此对不起有时候他们需要帮助又来了很好，嘲笑我吧我不相信很多事情但这不表示就不是真的譬如什么事?像是玉米田图案或百慕达三角或演化论你不相信进化论?不真的相信你不相信进化论?我不知道，只是猴子，达尔文，很好的故事我只是觉得有点太简单太简单?太这个星球上的一切生物经过数千万年从单细胞微生物进化而成而你说太简单?对，我不太相信对不起进化论不是信不信由你，菲此进化论是科学事实就像我们
50、呼吸的空气就像地心引力别跟我提起地心引力你不相信地心引力?倒不是相不相信的问题最近我感觉到我不是被吸住，而是被压着被压着那是牛顿，他非常火大她在那边，那里还有另一个他想跟你们谈谈有何贵干?根据我客户的遗嘱他要把他所有财产都留给楼上吵闹的女孩们他的家人呢?他没有家人好，让我们看看有多少钱好，没有半毛钱现在，我们来签字你是一号吵闹女孩你是二号吵闹女孩我真不相信我们一直以为他讨厌我们真是不可思议我们能如此感动其他人而自己却不知道?看看这个猪窝?!他痛恨我们!这是他最终的报复我从来没看过这么多废物我觉得这间公寓侮辱了废物的美名看看这个这个能给我吗?你怎么能不相信进化论?我不知道，就是不相信看看这条怪衬
51、衫!菲此我整个成年都在研究进化论我们从世界各地搜集化石能够证明不同物种的进化论可以真正看到它们透过时间进化真的?可以看得到?千真万确!在美国中国，非洲，全世界这我不知道这就是吧所以真的问题是谁把化石放在那里?为什么?我的痛苦之书嘿，这是我!四月十七日，噪音过度义大利佬带了女伴回家你也在里面四月十八日，噪音过度义大利佬的同性恋室友带了干洗衣服回家真是太好了看看这盏灯真是够俗了我们一定要带回去我们的好台灯够多了什么?好啦，我又不是要这个美女时钟或什么的但我觉得这个也很酷听着，它与我的东西都不搭配那么我的东西呢?你没有任何东西你还是认为那是你的公寓对不对?对，你是这么想你把它想成是你的公寓我只是租了
52、个房间你支支吾吾的时候我会为我的新台灯找个地方放菲此看我玩这些小玩具可对立的拇指!没有进化论怎么发展出可对立的拇指?也许外星主宰需要拇指才能够驾驶飞碟请说你是在开玩笑能不能说你相信进化论而我不相信?不行，菲此，不能这样为什么不行?为什么非得每个人都同意你?这是怎么回事?你知道我怎么想吗?我想你也许应该好好检视一下罗斯这个生物了我耳朵有没有流血?看看这个哈克的高中同学录他看起来好正常甚至有点可爱“哈克你上科学课总是让我捧腹大笑”“你是全校最有趣的学生”最有趣?哈克?上面是这样写的哈克被选为班上的活宝我也是他说得对!听听那个噪音?的确是很吵闹什么?哈克在乐队演奏竖笛我也是他参加模型俱乐部我也虽然我
53、的学校没有俱乐部但我觉得模型很酷所以你们两个都是书呆子没什么值得大惊小怪我觉得很怪，哈克与我哈克与我，我，我与哈克喂，别吵好不好你整晚都在这里?看看这个哈克交往过的女人照片看看他在上面写的“薇安，太高大”“玛姬，牙龈太多”“玛姬，牙龈太多”“太聪明”“吃东西发出声音”这就是我这就是我的作法我会像他一样孤独终老哈克是个神经病我们的人生道路方向一样我此他晚了30年佒盏愣际且谎?愁苦城孤独镇，隐士村我们应该离开这里我请你吃早餐要是我一直找不到伴侣?或更糟的，我已经找到了但我却因为她说“厚许”就甩了她？钱德，好啦你会找到对象的你怎么知道?我不知道我只是想帮你下台你们将来都会结婚我会孤独一人你能不能答应
54、我一件事?你结婚后过节时能不能请我去玩?我不知道我们会怎么样要是我与妻子到我岳父母那里过节呢?我了解你可以过来看超级杯每一年都来，怎么样?我不要像这样子下场待会见，兄弟待会见，兄弟他们去动物园了吗?他们去动物园了吗?嗨，是我我的天珍妮丝?你打给珍妮丝?是的，珍妮丝有什么难懂的?你还记得珍妮丝吧?是啊，她很聪明，很漂亮而且很关心我珍妮丝是我的最后一个希望珍妮丝是我的最后一个希望她真是胖了不少嗨，大家都在这里嗨，珍妮丝珍妮丝，你是的，我有了?I的是你不是是不是没那么好的事，钱德宝!我已经是少奶奶了我已经是少奶奶了甜心，真抱歉你不能在电话上告诉我吗?要我错过看到你的表情?才不要!珍妮丝喜欢乐子!你知
55、道我们很久没玩什么吗?藏起台灯摩妮卡，算了吧你知道我对贝类过敏吗?那么你必须吃其他的台灯可十帅勺科学家来了菲此，这些就是了在这个手提箱中我带来了真正的科学证据可算是整个提箱的证据其中有些化石超过2亿年老我要先告诉你我并不否定进化论进化论只是可能性之进化论是唯一的可能罗斯你能不能稍稍敞开心胸?以前最聪明的人不也相信地球是平的?五十年前，科学家认为原子是最微小的事物后来科学家击碎了原子于是产生了各种玩意难道你是如此自大无法承认有一点点的可能你们科学家也许会犯错?是有一点点我真不相信你屈服了你放弃了你的整个信仰!以前我虽然不同意你佄抑辽僮鹁茨?但是明天你要怎么继续研究?你要如何面对其他科学家?你要如
56、何面对你自己?真好玩，有谁饿了?我饿了我也是我去拿外套怎么了?这是意外，我发誓我正在穿外套拜托，摩妮卡!你痛恨我的台灯突然间它就奇迹似地破了?菲此，告诉她我没看到因为我正在穿外套但我想要相信你嗨，钱德摩妮卡打破了我的贝壳台灯真好我会死得孤苦伶仃好，算你赢钱德，你不会死得孤苦伶仃本来珍妮丝是我的安全保障现在我必须去养一条蛇了为什么?如果我会成为孤独老人我需要养个东西有个依靠就像地铁上那个吃自己脸的人我会成为“养蛇的疯老头”养蛇疯子然后我会养更多蛇当成我的子女小孩都不敢经过我的门口他们会叫道：养蛇疯子要来抓人了你必须想开一点你不会孤苦伶仃我当然会我甩掉了所有笨得愿意跟我交往的女孩然后我抱怨找不到好
57、女孩我们所交往的男人就跟你所描述的一样你没什么问题你只是个平常人她说得对你与其他人没什么不同等一下，等一下他是不一样你其实很不一样很糟糕吗?不，甜心，是很好的不一样现在你知道你要什么了大多数男人根本不知道你准备好接受风险了准备好接受伤害，与人亲近你不会孤苦伶仃的你打电话给珍妮丝这证明你希望与人厮守终生你准备好做出承诺了但是自己却不知道你拿了什么?不是你的东西而你想要打破?我知道你喜欢这个我也要你收下它在我们公寓会很好看谢谢没关系你们会很高兴知道明天晚上我有约会我的同事爱莉森人很不错她又漂亮又聪明我一直不寻常的大头佄也灰看看我，我成熟了同学录有没有回收?那个给我你要他的同学录?有人说了他的好话应该留下来这真的很奇怪他整个生命都在这公寓度过现在人去楼空我想我们应该为哈克先生默哀一会儿他是个麻烦人物似你们全都会下地狱其实没有那么大!你要拿那个走吧?没错你来吗?等一下再见，哈克先生我们会安静点我完全学非所用报纸上什么时候看得到“霉求哲学家”?天啊，那真是个大头在办公室看起来没这么大也许是因为灯光我的头在公司定像个高尔夫球那么叫不要想了快列出你喜欢她的五件事笑容很美，衣着高雅大头，大头，还是大头!